i had the worst day ever today.
could it have been that hard to just say something?
i gave you my surprise but i bet you either havent looked at it/throw it away and not even cared.
i pu so much love and effort into it and i thought it was amazing,
bu i guess its nothing to you because you dont love me huh?

i really had no idea so many people cared about me. so many of you asked if i was ok and wanted to talk and i appreciate ait so much. i hate making a big deal about things and i hate being upset but i couldnt help it, and you all understood.
i dmit some of your advue wasnt the bestand not anything i wanted to hear or already didnt know but i am so greatful that there are actually people out there whocare about me.

me and clancy seemed to cheer eachother up with black books quotes and perri made tonigth fun.
i bought a new dress for her party on saturday.
she says it looks good but i feel too fat in it.
i ate half a donut today and a spoon of fried rice and i felt sick after each bite. its the only thing i have really consumed since Monday night though, apart from cigarettes and water.

Madi also made me feel better in maths when she saw i was listeing to "if it means a lot to you" on repeat and ripped myheadphones out and shoved hers in. i listened to aqua and some other happy things. didn't really help anything but made me feel a little better.

i found it such a struggle to get out of bed this morning i came late, and i didnt want you to see me walk into the hall by myself looking like im about to slit wrist so i didnt go in and waited with maurice and jesse. maurice also made me feel a bit better. adn i thank jesse for the cigarette i shared with rachel.

emma also made an effort to show how much she cared tonight because she saw me crying on the way to drama today. she facebook messaged me and yeh so thankyou. you truly are a lovely human being.

i saw merryn tonight too. i miss her so much, she didnt seem like she liked me and perri but i guess its ust been a while. i miss everything we used to have and i hope ill get to see her again soon.

i also saw taylor and jeremy and had a lovely chat with them, i miss taytay :(
her hair looks so cute

i found these really nice shoes at pupl that are grey, but im too poor aha.
i spent all my money on my dress and layby, i have $30 left which probably has to go to my other layby.

i was going to spend every cent of that $100 on you but i guess not :(
as i walked around the boys clothes in buig w with perri and michael all i could think about was how i wanted to buy you the world but i can't.

i hate being so sad but i cant help it. im going to try my best to act happy but when you see me happy i donty want you to think "aw shes better off without me" or "shes obvs moved on" because i haven't, im just trying to cope.
im so utterly broken and alone i dont know what to do anymore. but i guess thats life huh. and it just punched me in the face.


i think im going to watch black books and the go to bed, seeing as its the only thing that can make me smile, i tried watching friends but hey, thats so scratched it wonrt play. it wasnt really making me laugh anyway. but i want it fixed.
i hate how all your stuff has to sit on my computer chair until you come get it.
my mum is still trying to get the pen out of your shirt and i can't seem to tell her this has happened again. i jus want us to be together and cant face this right now.

i don't even want to do anything this weekend but i have no dvds to wath and i cant sleep every hour of the weekend so hopefully Perri's is good and hopefully i can see steven and everyone on friday. and no i wont be doing anything with anyone if your thinking that. theres no way i could, not for a long time.

i should take my pill now ha. :|

and dont worry, i'll return your dvds tomorrow, and if not ill pay the late fines.

times like these i need my bestfriends support but i dont want to bother them with any of this because they probably have their own problems and dont want to know about it. plus craigs back in rehab so i cant text him for support.

i hope i have drama tomorrow...good i have it last.
i just have to survive the day.
i hope christian is here for S.A.C and modern history but i doubt it.
and i hope Bradd is there to give me that ipod cord aha, also a doubt.

i wish i had more movies to watch/ gamecube/ds games..or a charger for it aha. but that requires money and im povo. wah.

i think i should talk to steven to see if they are actually coming over tomorrow haaa.
i need to buy cigarettes and goon and maybe some double blacks for perri's but im so poor and i doubt mum and dad will buy them for me
another wah.

im happy i didn't do any work today and all my teachers saw my swollen ugly eyes and no makeup and knew something was wrong. ha

i should go now i dont think theres much else to report on :/

oh..how could i forget.
i love you ♥ :(
goodnight.Xo